What they really mean when they give travel advice for Australian beaches.

What They Say . . . And What They Really Mean

The Beach Holiday

They Say
Please take care in the sun
They Mean
The local hospital’s Burns Unit is full

They Say
Marine stingers may be present in this area
They Mean
For half the year it’s safer to visit Baghdad than to swim here

They Say
This is an unpatrolled beach
They Mean
It’s far too dangerous even for fully qualified life guards to swim here

They Say
Swim between the flags
They Mean
If you’re not careful you’ll end up in New Zealand

They Say
Due to storm water runoff, please avoid swimming for 48 hours after rainfall
They Mean
It rains here every 48 hours on average

They Say
It can get quite warm here in the summer
They Mean
After two days you’ll wish you’d gone skiing in Canada instead

They Say
We really need the rain
They Mean
You need 14 consecutive days of rain like a hole in the head

They Say
This weather is very unseasonal
They Mean
There is no mention of the word “monsoon” on our website or in our brochures

They Say
Up until you arrived, the weather has been great
They Mean
The weather is no longer great

They Say
Enjoy the local hospitality
They Mean
Prices increase by 20 to 80 percent during peak holiday season

They Say
We suggest you book in advance
They Mean
We’re booked out until sometime after 2010

They Say
Special holiday and weekend rates apply
They Mean
We add a zero to our rates for weekends and holidays

They Say
We’re a sleepy coastal town
They Mean
You can’t buy milk or bread within a 50km radius after 4pm

They Say
We’re a booming coastal town
They Mean
The council’s coat of arms features a jackhammer, a cement truck and a crane

They Say
Fully air conditioned
They Mean
The house has a number of windows, some of which can be opened without the aid of a screwdriver

They Say
Parking space provided
They Mean
But not to you 

They Say
Linen and towels are not supplied
They Mean
It’s not a bad idea to strap a fridge and a wardrobe to your roof rack as well 

They Say
Close to local shops and transport
They Mean
Your unit is within a 30-minute walk of the pub. There is also a bus service which runs every hour if the driver isn’t surfing.

They Say
We’re an easy two-hour drive from the city
They Mean
Allow a minimum of three hours – or four if there’s an accident

Enjoy this article?

You can find it in Issue 5 along with
loads of other great stories and tips.

BUY THIS ISSUE