February 27, 2023
3 mins Read
AT’s Quentin Long contorts himself into all kinds of weird shapes with a stay in the diminutive (understatement) boutique Pensione Hotel Melbourne.
That’s the Pensione in Melbourne. Before you get to your room, a few limbering-up exercises are advisable. This is a room built by contortionists to challenge other contortionists. And I LIKE IT. It’s so goddamn cheap and feels like a funky boutique hotel – well, for the vertically challenged anyway. But, just so you know what you are getting into, let me map it out for you.
I stayed in a Double (I can’t even begin to imagine how small a Single must be) and to watch the massive 300-inch – well, it felt like 300 inches given its proximity to my eyes – flat screen TV, I had to lie across the bed – left to right, top to bottom – and strain my head into a position about 30-degrees off the mattress. Then turn my head to the right across my body and look to the spot where the ceiling met the wall almost directly over me. I had to concentrate to be able to see the whole screen. If I focussed on the action at the left of the TV, I could not also see the action on the right. Every ad break, I crooked my neck the other way to undo the tension.
The room is so small, Todd Russell and Brant Webb would probably have flashbacks. Walking around the bed stresses the ankles as your feet and toes are parallel to the mattress, while your body twists at exactly 90 degrees to face the wall. And the bathroom is truly a miracle. In a space no bigger than the average linen closet, they have a shower, vanity and toilet. To sit on said toilet, I had to perch at an angle 30 degrees to the left so that my knees would not be jammed into the vanity. But the vanity looked kinda cool. And to shower I can only advise you to remove all items from the bathroom, including the towels. The bathroom looks like how I imagine those self-cleaning toilets in Paris look, mid-clean. I have never encountered anything quite so physically challenging in a hotel room. Well, not on my own anyways.
I paid $99 for the room for the night and got what I paid for – a clean, stylish shoebox. Its only rival at that price-point in Melbourne’s CBD is the Travelodge SouthBank, which is roomier, and a tad more expensive, with prices at around $120 per night.
But this is a great hotel for anyone who just needs somewhere to rest their head. It’s in a good location, has an excellent price and is clean and comfortable. It’s just tiny.
Agree or disagree? What’s the most physically challenging room you’ve ever slept in?
16 Spencer St, Melbourne
03 9621 3333
Tell us via the comments below if you have stayed at the Pensione or can recomned another Melbourne Hotel for under $100
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Organised accommodation at the Above Pensione after reading a few reviews we thought we would give it a go. Worst Mistake Eveeerrr…
We paid $150 per night per room. There was four of us going down for a long weekend.
My particular room was suppose to have a double bed but instead was two single beds pushed together. Which is usually A-OK but in this instance one bed was lower then the other.. Waking up Sat morning with the worst back pain is not IDEAL!
The bathroom is so small you turn it into a little kiddy pool by the end of your shower. Oh don’t forget when you need to use the toilet facilities it is like performing Yoga!
Visiting Melbourne again my friends and I would certainly not be staying at the above property. I guess if it cost $99 you kind of get over knit picking over these things. In this case I would have rather spent an extra $30-$50 and stayed at the Windsor or Stamford.
I guess when you self rate yourself you let a few things go!!